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Monsters R Us

Script[]

(Darkwing Duck, Launchpad McQuack, and Gosalyn Mallard are walking to Macawber Manor)

Darkwing Duck: (sigh) My Morgy-worgy is going to be so happy when her Ducky-wucky pays her a surprise visit. My love is like a red red rose which-whoa! Yoo-hoo! Morgana!

Launchpad McQuack: Another spook house! I can’t take it anymore! I’ll go mad, mad I tell ya!

Darkwing Duck: Launchpad, Launchpad, will you relax? I’ll just turn on the light.

Macawber Family: Normals!

Darkwing Duck: Okay, come out, you fiends.

Male Macawber #1: Ehh...tag. You're it.

Darkwing Duck: Okay, wise-ghouls, you asked for it.

Morgana Macawber: Darkwing, what are you doing?

Darkwing Duck: Stand back, Morgana. I will protect you from these horrible monstrosities.

Morgana Macawber: That's no way to talk about my family.

Darkwing Duck: Heh heh. Your… family?

Morgana Macawber: Yes. This is where I grew up, Macawber Castle.

Darkwing Duck: Ahem. Well, I...

Screamie Macawber: Let's eat him.

Meanie Macawber: But, c’mon, Screamie. I mean, you can't just eat a guest. I mean, ugh!

Aunt Nasty: Hm, Meanie’s right. You gotta boil him first.

Gosalyn Mallard: Cool family.

Rat tailed cat: Care to join me for a little... snack?

Male Macawber #1: Dahh, howdy do?

Launchpad McQuack: Yaahhh!

Globby Macawber: Ha! Very pleased to slime you! Ha-ha!

Morgana Macawber: I think you'd better go, Dark.

Darkwing Duck: But, Morgana!. Don't you want to introduce your, ah, charming relatives to your boyfriend?

Macawbers: Boyfriend!

Cyclops Macawber: Morgana's dating a normal!

Macawbers: Eeeuuww! Eeeuuww! Eeeuuww!

Moloculo Macawber: What in the underworld is all this racket? And what are these normals doing in my castle?

Aunt Nasty: They're friends of Morgana's, Moloculo.

Cyclops Macawber: And the one in the cape is her boyfriend.

Moloculo Macawber: Boyfriend? Is this true?

Darkwing Duck: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Ah, uh, ah, ah...a hero, such as I, has no time for romantic entanglements. Hee-hee-hee!

Moloculo Macawber: That's fortunate for you because my darling child, the rotten apple of my eye, is too good for any normal!

Darkwing Duck: Too good, eh? Then how do you explain the sweet nothings she whispered in my ear and the little nip she gave me on my neck? Hmmm?

Moloculo Macawber: You necked with my daughter? I will turn you into a slug! Or a walrus. Whichever.

Morgana Macawber: Father, stop it! They're my friends. And I won't have you turning them into anything!

Moloculo Macawber: You know I don't approve of normals in my household, Morgana!

Darkwing Duck: Hey-hey, I'm not normal!

Gosalyn Mallard: You can say that again!

Darkwing Duck: Just look at the way I dress. Would any normal person be caught dead in this? Yow! Cut that out!

Moloculo Macawber: Slug or walrus... choose your poison.

Darkwing Duck: It's not polite to point, Fella!

Morgana Macawber: Father, if you just got to know Darkwing better, I'm sure he'd grow on you.

Screamy Macawber: If he grew on me, I would burn him off. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Moloculo Macawber: Silence! Morgana is right. We will give these normals a chance. They shall dine with us tonight.

Morgana Macawber: Ohh, thank you, Father. Come on, Dark. I’ll give you a tour of the castle.

Gosalyn Mallard: Keen gear! I want to see the torture chamber!

Aunt Nasty: Oh, what has gotten into you, Moloculo Macawber? Inviting normal to dinner?

Moloculo Macawber: Don't worry, Aunt Nasty. A little old world hospitality, and they will be dying to go home.

(Moloculo and Aunt Nasty laughing evilly)

Moloculo Macawber: So, Mr. Duck, what do you think of our humble abode?

Darkwing Duck: Nice wallpaper. Your taste? Yike! So, heh heh heh, what's for dinner?

Aunt Nasty: Ha ha ha. Pasta serpentina.

Cyclops Macawber: And Transylvanian ghoul-lash. You will just die for seconds.

Globby Macawber: Ghoul-lash is Dee-double-licious. Yum yum yummy!

Gosalyn Mallard: All right! Let's get gross. Hey, when in Transylvania, do as the Transylvanians do.

Morgana Macawber: Go on, Dark. You don't want to insult Aunt Nasty's cooking.

Darkwing Duck: Well, down the hatch.

Moloculo Macawber: What's the matter, Mr. Duck? Too spicy for you?

Darkwing Duck: Not at all. Just like mom’s.

Moloculo Macawber: Excellent. Then I'm sure you will enjoy a refreshing Phantom Fizz.

Darkwing Duck: May I expose a toast? To the lovely Morgana. Say, that's right tasty.

Morgana Macawber: (To her father) You're trying to scare Darkwing away! Well I won't let you!

Darkwing Duck: You should let your daughter choose her own company, she has impeccable taste.

Moloculo Macawber: What she needs is a nice ghoulish boy! only then will she find true happiness!

Darkwing Duck: She doesn't want happiness, she wants me! That didn't sound quite right.

Moloculo Macawber: She does not want you, she wants the finer things in life! to settle down in a dark, stinking castle, and raise a family of little monsters.

Morgana Macawber: Actually, what I really want is-

Moloculo Macawber & Darkwing Duck: BE QUIET!

Moloculo Macawber: I know what's best for my daughter, duck!

Darkwing Duck: Well, I don't think you do, Zombie!

Moloculo Macawber: You normals think you're so smart. You wouldn't last five minutes as a monster.

Darkwing Duck: Oh, yeah? We can do anything you can, and better.

Moloculo Macawber: We will see about that.

(Moloculo cast a spell on Darkwing, Gosalyn and Launchpad. Darkwing’s hands turns brown and grows claws)

Gosalyn Mallard: Oh, yes! Hey, check out the bolts in my neck! (she pulls out the bolts and her head falls off) Keen gear! I’m modular.

Launchpad McQuack: Hey, now I don't have a reflection. But I do have an uncontrollable thirst for... D.W., I've got a problem!

Darkwolf Dog: You've got a problem? I've got up an urge to bite a mailman.

Morgana Macawber: Change them back this instant, Father!

Moloculo Macawber: I will not! Now they will see what it's like to walk a mile in my chains. Perhaps it will teach them a little humility.

Darkwolf Dog: That does it! We're getting out of here before I bite somebody. There's gotta be some gypsy or someone out there who can fix us.

Morgana Macawber: Well, you got what you wanted. They're heading for the village.

Moloculo Macawber: Excellent. Good riddance to... the village? But we made a pact with the villagers... They stay on their side of the line, and we stay on ours.

Morgana Macawber: You painted a line between the village and the castle? Oh, that's very mature. Why couldn't you learn to cooperate with them?

Meanie Macawber: Oh, perfect. You know they will cross the line, and the villagers will rip them to shreds, it'll be a mess...

Screamy Macawber: Right. Shredded normal... my favorite.

Moloculo Macawber: You imbecile! When they're done with them, we'll be next!

Morgana Macawber: Oh, my poor Dark!

Gosalyn Mallard: Hey, Dad, what's this white line for?

Darkwolf Dog: Who cares? Probably their weird old world customs. Now hurry up. We've got to find a gypsy in this village who can cure us, before this flea thing get any worse.

Launchpad McQuack: Gee, D.W., don't you think we might scare somebody? We're monsters now, remember?

Darkwolf Dog: Oh, don't worry, Launchpad. I'm sure these people are used to dealing with monsters.

Fritz: Ja! You got that right! If we know one thing, it’s how to deal with monsters.

Gosalyn Mallard: Gee, dad, they don't seem very scared of us.

Darkwolf Dog: Probably, they're used to that old-fashioned Moloculo. We'll show them what a modern monster can do. I'm the terrier that yaps in the night. I'm the schnauzer that digs up your petunias. I am Darkwolf Dog!

Fritz: Get the stick, boy. Fetchen sie. Fetchen sie.

Gosalyn Mallard: Snooth move, Dad. Looks like we’ll have to scare ‘em off. Listen, village idiots! Ah, man. Why don’t you just run along before I smoosh ya? Hey! Watch it with those things! You could put an eye out. You’re a bloodthirsty vampire bat! Do something!

Launchpad McQuack: Ah, eh, right. I forgot. Blah-blah-blah! I’m a vampire bat. Blah-blah-blah! Ow!

Gosalyn Mallard: Retreat!

Fritz: Shtopen sie! Stupids! We must go back to the village! I will organize a real attack! We destroy these monsters once and for all!

Male Villager #1: I can never understand a word he says.

Darkwolf Dog: Oh, boy! Mm… We had a little disagreement with the villagers. It was nothing really.

Moloculo Macawber: You nitwit normal! You’ve violated the pact. Soon the villagers will attack.

Darkwolf Dog: How was I supposta know about your dumb old pact?

Morgana Macawber: Father! If you blow up my boyfriend, I’ll never speak to you again.

Moloculo Macawber: Oh, very well. Now is not the time for petty recriminations. We must prepare for battle.

Darkwolf Dog: Now you’re talking. I’ll show those bratwurst-munch’ yahoos they can’t mess with Darkwing-Mmm, Darkwolf! I’ll formulate a plan with my high-tech strategic mini-computer.

Moloculo Macawber: We never stoop to using the ways of foolish normals. We’ll do this the monster way.

Darkwolf Dog: Look, handsome! Those villagers will wipe you out. You need the latest in contemporary combat theory.

Moloculo Macawber: Pitiful!

Darkwolf Dog: You need smart bombs, computers, sophisticated technology.

Moloculo Macawber: We need terror, horror, magic.

Morgana Macawber: Why don't you just talk to the villagers?

Darkwolf and Moloculo: Quiet!

Morgana Macawber: I will not be quiet! You're both acting like two-year-olds.

Moloculo Macawber: See what your normal ways have done? She never back-talked to her daddy before. We will fight separately. This battle will prove the superiority of our monster ways.

Darkwolf Dog: Well, we'll see about that. C'mon, guys. Time to work on our combat skills.

Moloculo Macawber: Come, Macawbers, time to brush up on our scare tactics.

Morgana Macawber: Ooooo, I'll convince them violence isn't the way if I have to kill them.

Moloculo Macawber: Macawbers, we must make our ancestors proud. We must scream the impossible scream!

Aunt Nasy: Okay, kiddies, time for monsterobics. Boo, two, three, four. C'mon, you deadbeats. Get the mold out of your socks!

Moloculo Macawber: Awww, they make me so proud!

Morgana Macawber: Father, you've got to stop this. You're acting like...like a monster!

Moloculo Macawber: Not now, Morgana. I must turn these spiders into an army of demon warriors. Ooops! Ahem.

Morgana Macawber: Give it up, Father. Your magic isn't what it used to be. Your only hope is so make a new deal with the villagers.

Moloculo Macawber: Deal with normals? Don't be ridiculous. My demon army will make them rue the day they attacked Macawber castle.

Morgana Macawber: Shoes, eh?

Moloculo Macawber: Well, they're mean, nasty shoes.

Demon Umbrellas: Grrr! Grrr! Grrr!

Moloculo Macawber: Heh. Demon umbrellas. I meant to do that.

Darkwolf Dog: My high-tech mini-computer has devised a flawless plan of attack, making use of the laser-guided glue grenade. Launchpad, demonstrate the aerial delivery.

Launchpad McQuack: Woops!

Darkwolf Dog: As any expert on modern military techniques can tell you, the key to success is a really good trench. Hey! Please keep in mind, burying your father could adversely affect your allowance.

Morgana Macawber: Dark, darling.

Darkwolf Dog: Morg, Decided to come over to the winning side, huh?

Morgana Macawber: No. I've come to talk you out of this ridiculous fight. We've got to make peace with the villagers. We've got to bring the normals and monsters together.

Darkwolf Dog: We will bring them together, just as soon as I prove that my way is better by whomping those villagers with my modern combat procedures!

Morgana Macawber: Oh, you're as stubborn as my father! You've got to listen!

Launchpad McQuack: Hey, ketchup just isn't cuttin' it, D.W. I don't know how much longer I can hold out long without the real thing.

Darkwolf Dog: You've got to learn to control your animal instincts, Launchpad.

Morgana Macawber: (About Darkwolf) That conceited, arrogant, pig-headed.

Gosalyn Mallard: Look, if you're that mad, why don't you just turn him into a water buffalo, or something?

Morgana Macawber: No! I've got to make him see the wisdom of diplomacy!

Gosalyn Mallard: Then turn him into a diplomatic water buffalo!

Darkwolf Dog: With this fabulous camouflage, we will be virtually invisible to the enemy. All right. The mini-computer says don't fire until we smell the bratwurst on their breath.

Moloculo Macawber: Bah Where's the honor in hiding behind leaves?

Darkwolf Dog: Looks who's talking... Mister wizard. Woo. Nice little army you've got there.

Demon Umbrellas: Grrr! Grrr! Grrr!

Darkwolf Dog: Ooo, I'm so scared. You'll be all set if it starts raining, huh?

Aunt Nasty: Oh, goodie, goodie! Here come the villagers!

Moloculo Macawber: This is it, Normals. Now we separate the men from the monsters.

Darkwolf Dog: I'm ready for anything. What can a few pitchfork-toting yahoos possibly do to Darkwolf Dog? Except bring about his untimely demise. Of course, I forgot that one.

Morgana Macawber: For the last time, why don't you just talk to the villagers?

Darkwolf Dog: Real men don't talk.

Moloculo Macawber: Okay, Macawbers, let's win one for the grim reaper.

Darkwolf Dog: Okay, let's get dangerous.

Morgana Macawber: Fine, but don't expect me to clean up after you get splattered across the landscape.

Darkwolf Dog: Now using our fabulous camouflage, we will simply sneak up behind that tank and disable it.

Launchpad McQuack: Oh, that is brilliant camouflage, D.W. You blend right in with the ground!

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